Light Years Ago

My memory is my cage I rot in, this is the only life I know of, the only remedy of this existence of mine. I burn within my own created flames but I like being here, thats the only world i've ever known. i belong here, this is me. If only i could, i would burn everything that touches me physically or emotionally. if only i could i would've shown my wrath. I'm not a sadist, this is my program, this is how my wiring connects. self captivating thoughts of dying over and over again yet not to miss a single breath i take in this oblivion. I acquired freedom when i have caged myself. this void i walk through is my jurisdiction, this is my world and you have to set ablaze your wings if you cross it. here birds walk the ragged and rough land twisting and turning like a snake on sand. this is the world of insanity, no sane is allowed here or he will guide this flame into his world. its a poison that will attach itself to you and burn you feather by feather.

welcome anyway, i don't deny your stay with me, i know you won't stay long. you wont like the stream of water here, the blazing sky and ember red eyes of my imagination. i create here, I'm the architect, the painter, the mason and the citizen. i make all this for you, see if you like it, roam around it seems much like hell, the only difference is that hell is for the punished. this is for the illuminated, lost and discoverers. try to touch things around, they will not burn, its the way i painted them. i need people who can touch, not only see, who can then feel not only touch. I don't admire straight paths, they haunt my imaginations, they seem endless. i don't like light, it leaves nothing for the imagination. feast with me on your imagination. the world is a damned place with alot of damned souls roaming around it, though mine seemed damned, but it's dark because it knows alot. the room for light is lost somewhere in these paths but i will find it someday, i myself had no map while i was making them, so i myself am lost inside here, i find something new everyday every moment. isn't this enough to stay here for eternity? this darkness has alot of light i wonder how that lightened room would look like, i can tell the room by looking at it, it would have light coming from underneath the door. bright light, but i would be afraid thinking it might depart me from this world into another parallel universe. somewhere i don't know of. but all i am is an architect, i will make my way out from it, i will paint it again, turn it into my world. what if i already have passed that door. years ago i remember opening such a door with light from underneath it. it had a straight path i turned it and gave it corners, had a lightened sky which i set ablaze, it slowly got dark in there, slowly got deeper and deeper. wait, how long have i been writing about it? oh well, i forgot to tell you, i am in that very room, that enlightened room. ages of my labor, this is what it looks like now. It seemed so ugly that way, so in order and so tidy. so fake. but this small piece of memory still remains in my head, this room had another door in it just like that, i search for that door, and i hope i would find it so that i could leave that one the way it was and shift existance.

Just when I Thought it was Over

I'm not someone whom you will remember your whole life,
Neither do I tend to live in a nailed metal box of mementos,
I'm not someone who will haunt you in your dreams,
Not someone who favors your cold and withered screams,
I'm the one waiting on the slippery edge of your life,
Neither would I kill the queen nor try to burn this hive,
I'm the one who's angels make no sense at all,
No, I'm not the one for whom flames from hell fall,
I do hold a little dream with me and it's old now,
I walk the earth waiting for that land mine to step on,
But it seems someone walked it before me so I'm a little bold now,
My endurance to this illusion is at its' last breaths,
I walk towards this slumber from the grip of shadowy thoughts,
I've seen the world change from stone to metal,
Containers made full but the content still remains in the kettle,
I've seen love getting expensive and war cheap,
I've seen people walk like lions but they are all but sheep,
I've imagined a world free of hate and tyranny,
Where people know love and knows not of pain and agony,
It was a plunge taken too deep into the world of an unknown,
This was a world to be only spoken of but never shown,
I know you too dream of such a place so join in my freind,
You and I in our little nailed metal boxes have a lot to amend,
This window in my room has a lot of stories it tell,
Some are fairy tales while others straight from hell,
I've been to a room without a floor in it,
Deep down inside with all the hellraisers was a little door in it,
No one dared step inside the door but i did,
Knew after ages inside, it was made for me and only I could fit.

Hurt

Because this hurt has gone too far,
Buried me too deep down inside,
I can't forgive you but I can't own you now,
So it's too late to even try and say sorry,
There's nothing to prove or be proven for,
So go home, it's late and I'm a stranger now,
The ship we were on is in danger now,
Call me heartless or whatever,
Because this hurt has gone too far now,
Trust me when I say I can't love you now,
Trust me because it's the only way,
We weaved too many dreams together,
It's time we wake up from this slumber,
Don't come crying it won't touch me anymore,
I forgive you for all you care,
To love another like you i would not dare,
I guess this was enough for now,
I guess i'll be fine don't worry about me,
I'm too big for this to swallow me you see,
So try again some other day,
You won't see me walking the same road, the same way,
I swallowed a lot of your poison,
Thought it was the fountain of youth,
I was wrong for all I know,
I have nothing left for you to show,
So go home it's late and I'm a stranger,
Now I'm a realist, I'm a danger,
I was the dream maker,
But now I'm just a terrible nightmare,
I'll see you there,
I'll see you soon.

Thought it would be Pleasant

It rains while I sit and write,

It rains while I'm lost in this night,

It rains while God decides what's wrong and right,

It rains while all the birds abandon their flight,

It rains while all she wants to do is fight.

Let it rain and let the wind blow,

Let it rain so that I can sow,

Let it rain on the fields of sorrow,

Let it rain like there's no tomorrow,

Let it rain I have no happiness left to borrow.

It rained but I felt the pain,

It rained but all was in vain,

It rained on someone insane,

It rained but I had no gain,

It rained and it will rain again.

Busy Bees

So when all of it is gone, will I still live on? I guess I will, i'm addicted to a lot of things some good most bad. like now i'm addicted to write a blog every now and then. it's pretty strange how we tangle ourselves with something in our short little lives and keep doing them over and over again, we know its going to be the same as before yet we do it. and hell, why not. afterall this whole thing is about repetitions isn't it? day in day out, its the same routine. I wake up, light a cigarette, play some music and keep laying there staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I usually wake up something like 45mins before the alarm in my cell starts beeping. i turn it off and continue with staring outside my room. i can see the sky, hear the birds chirp, the tall trees and a few buildings far away. the sunlight doesn't break into my room, it rises on the other side of my window. i think and rethink of my strategy for the day, what will i do today, what should i do that would satisfy me that yes, the day was passed good. i think i'm going to paint, no write, no no today i go out - or ummm maybe study? this last thought makes me change my side and rethink the whole strategy. course books has always been a problem for me, it's not like i don't want to study but yes, i don't want to.

Usually i used to wake up and while listening to music, i used to turn the facebook in my cell on and start scrolling it up and down, leave a few comments or maybe like something but recently i've deleted the app, and this has done me wonders, saved a lot of my already slipping away time. now instead of using the facebook, i have installed another app called the daily mail. now that is a useful app, informative. anyway, talking about my daily repetitions; so i get up and get going, i know how it goes, its just like a broken record on a play. i go to university, come back, sleep, wake up, go out with friends, come home, study a little maybe, then sleep and i wake up again half hour before my alarm goes on.

It's just like a huge repeat that i'm on. everyday i think of doing something new but i wind up doing the same old things again, nothing new, nothing different. and i think to myself how will i get rid of it all? at times it gets so so entangled, so chained to itself. i'm usually not doing what i want to do. huh, the attendance will shorten up, i'll drop out, i'll miss something special in the class, bullshit. do i do what i want to do? no, it's been a while and NO i don't. well, i guess that's what life's all about, some say. well i ask you - is it? a broken record?? how often do we do what we want to? so we adjust, we tune to what we can do and what we can't. it's not a wish not achieved, they say you'll get your life once done with university. HA! will i?? no i'll be even more busy than ever. this is a trap, growing up is a trap, this everything is programming done by everyone around me, they fix you for it, make you ready, and when you're past one obstacle they had trained you enough for another i mean c'moooooooooooooooooooonnnnn when does this end? it's not just about running for money! i mean fuck this shit, this is a lie and i really don't want to be a part of it, running and running. for how long? how far? study, get a job, get married, get kids, and then DIE! what!!?? sorry, i didn't get you, you said it's going to be over soon, oh you meant this?? tsk, no. it's being a sheep. they are also kept in a controlled environment, they are fed properly, taken out to roam around, then slaughtered when the time is right. so you want me to just roll over on all of this?

i dont know what else to say, but it's pretty much lame, i'm not a loner or sick of life, i just define it a bit different than what our own society teach us, it's like being the slave of the system, you work for it just enough so that you can be dumb and idiotic, think outside your given bubble and you will be slaughtered. well, one day and that day might never even come, sadly. i've give way to what i want to do. i dont know why am i even writing this down, maybe so further i move and look upon my desires that are left only in here and that would be the end of them. or maybe i can look back and say, no i was wrong, i AM a sheep and i SHOULD BE this way. i dont know why am i recording all this but one thing is for sure and i'll make sure i don't follow the pattern described above. it has became the new life cycle of man. and in a society like ours, this is being preached like the holy book. its all programmed, i mean since when did humans had defined life cycle? we have a huge capacity for God's sake, how did we got synced to all of this? i mean non of it is bad, education, getting married and having kids is not bad but seriously!!??? thats all bs? and a good JOB means being payed for yes sir no sir this n that sir. by the time people start calling you sir, oh well, they'll call you that in that age anyway so no job needed for that sir thing!

I'll go wild, run away, disappear, live like i want to. i walk from university to home when the weather is merciful and on my way walking back i realize that i miss a lot of things while coming back home on a bus. i come through a lot of things that needs notice. just that day i was walking and i saw a trail of ants beneath, a lot were dead because people as busy as they are stepped over them, so i was thinking who is going to ask about this massacre other than God? who is even going to care? they had a cycle too, just like us, they were maybe gathering food and taking it back, and look at them now, they were dozens of them just stepped over by humans. the educated and brain blessed humans, a bunch of assholes if you ask me. what now we even don't understand what life is? are you really that programmed? that fucked in the head? i sat there for a while, staring at them, thinking what would be going in their little cycles before they were killed, looked at them for a while. then i kept moving on, there was a wall on my side and it was having so much dust over it that it could tell it wasn't touched after the masons who made it. i touched that wall while walking alongside it, it was promising, it said things to me like "I'll be here to protect you while you don't even think of me, as if i dont even exist but your touch is going to tear my eyes". yes it was a wall nothing else but yet, do we care? do we care if it was a wall of some living thing? we honk horns and seem all busy while all we have to do is get back home and get busy doing absolutely NOTHING. C'mon we are better than that. we have a mind that thinks, take it out of it's small little boxes even an ant would suffocate in.

New Grounds

I'll let you know when I'm there.
To see you happy, I'll let you know.
I'll let you know how I am,
To see you happy, I'll lie.
I'll let you know where I am,
But you won't find me.
I'll show you the field i sow,
Tall buildings, small people.
I'll walk miles with you,
Just to see you happy.
I'll tell myself this lie,
"Just to see you happy".
I got the eye thats above and beyond,
But I have lost a lot for this.
But "I'm happy", I guess,
"Just to see you happy".
I'll show you my heart,
Such a piece of art,
Abstract.
I'll tell you I don't exist,
"Just to see you cry".
I'm a storyteller that's what i do,
Tell stories.
Sky below, earth above,
I fall head down,
But thats how I see it,
"Sky below, earth above".
So i reach new oblivions,
Break new grounds.
I guess "I'm fine",
If thats what they call it.
I can't drown further,
Reached the bottom,
Still alive.
King of the dead fish,
And death, my slave,
"Conquered" new ground,
Years ago.
I age twice,
"Compelled" new ground.
Fades away.
I'll take you to a room,
Lock you inside myself,
Scared?
You should be.
"Undesired" new ground.
No escape, no way out.
I'll take you far away,
To a place between sky and earth,
Leave you there,
Alone,
Scared again?
You shouldn't be,
I'll be there,
Upside down,
Watching you.
I'll show you how i dissolve,
Within my own breaths,
Amazed?
"Achieved" new ground.
Dont blink,
You'll miss it,
I'll show you how,
I blow my brains out,
"Suicidal" new ground.
Petrified?
Dont be,
Not my first time.
I'll be your best friend in the dark,
Because it defines me,
I can define it.
Confused?
You should be,
And I am not surprised why,
You've never been in there before.
You dont know how amazing it is,
"Mysterious" new ground.
Stay close,
You might die inside this bowl,
Only "dead fish" lives here,
They know how to survive this.
You don't,
You can't,
You won't last a moment.
I'll tell you what i dream about,
It's a place i go to,
Meet myself, see me old,
Wrinkled and weak,
Shaking and not awaking,
So i sleep young,
Wake up old,
I switched places a long time ago,
With the old man i saw.
He was clever, I was not,
So now I'm the dream,
He's the awakening.
Yes I still linger there,
Captivated within myself,
"Imprisoned" new ground.
The chains heavy,
The room small and dark,
He keeps feeding me,
With fables and things,
I can't comprehend,
And I'm starting to get a liking to it,
Ensuring my life sentence.
I'll do my time,
But I'll be old then,
And "he" would be young,
Like I said,
Upside down,
A place between sky and earth.
Wait till I come out of here,
Just wait I promise i'll be out,
"Unfaithful" new ground.

Lost and Found

Find me, I'm lost somewhere in the light and the dark. Find me, I'm lost somewhere in the black and white. Find me, I'm lost somewhere between life and death. Find me please, I'm lost somewhere in a beggar's pot and a king's crown. Find me, I'm lost in blood and water; one flows from the top of a mountain, the other from a treasure of secrets untold and unheard of. Find me, I'm lost somewhere like centuries dried ink in a book, I'm lost like the treasure of Solomon, like the holy grail, like the book of Eli. Find me, I'm lost somewhere in a dying man's last breath and a newborn's first cry. I'm lost somewhere in humanity and tyranny. Please find me,I'm lost from quiet a while now. I'm lost somewhere in the first glance of love and the last aching goodbye. I have been lost for ages and i will remain that way until you find me. I'm not a treasure but not any less.

Look inside yourself and you might find me. I was there when you conquered the world, I was the apple of your eye when you invented and pondered, when you cared, when you could feel, when you were a man, a human, a creature of God. Find me in the crimson red of your heart and the deep black of your eye. I don't know how you gambled me when both the sides of this coin were the same. Find me if you want to find me. Find me in a mirror staring at yourself or at a window staring at the world. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere, I'm where you will start looking for me. I'm the dark night in which you sit and cry your heart out. I;m the breaking streak of light into your darkness, I'm the mountain that is little shown and mostly hidden, I'm the flow of water and I'm the beauty of how it never misses it's path, never flows upstream, never fuses into something smaller but larger than itself.

I'm the submission of droplet into a thin stream, the submission of a stream into a river, a river's into a sea and I'm the sea's submission into an ocean. I'm a cycle that never ends, a system that never fails. I'm the day after the lonely night and the night after a tiring and busy day. I'm the cloud that rains and the soil that blooms into fields. I'm the echo in a cave, I'm the silence in a conversation. I'm the blink of an eye and the never ending hot summer day. I'm the sweat of the poor and wine of the rich. I follow a sequence yet i have no pattern. I'm the whisper of an ant, I'm the silence of the thunder. I'm the scent of a page and I'm the knowledge of an old age. I'm the burning candle in the night and I'm the moth that follows the light. I'm the fuel of the burning lamp that shows you the way, I'm the map that never lets you astray. I'm the blackest of the black and the whitest of the white yet I'm grey. I'm the hot blood of the earth and the cold heart of the moon.

Find me, I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere, I am where you will start looking for me. I'm lost and sad, I'm sad because i can see you yet you can't find me. Your thirst can only be quenched if you are thirsty, your muscles relaxed if you are tired, your stomach satisfied if you are hungry, your destination reached if you have one. Please find me I'm a secret known by only a few- and they know how to keep a secret.