Thought it would be Pleasant

It rains while I sit and write,

It rains while I'm lost in this night,

It rains while God decides what's wrong and right,

It rains while all the birds abandon their flight,

It rains while all she wants to do is fight.

Let it rain and let the wind blow,

Let it rain so that I can sow,

Let it rain on the fields of sorrow,

Let it rain like there's no tomorrow,

Let it rain I have no happiness left to borrow.

It rained but I felt the pain,

It rained but all was in vain,

It rained on someone insane,

It rained but I had no gain,

It rained and it will rain again.

Busy Bees

So when all of it is gone, will I still live on? I guess I will, i'm addicted to a lot of things some good most bad. like now i'm addicted to write a blog every now and then. it's pretty strange how we tangle ourselves with something in our short little lives and keep doing them over and over again, we know its going to be the same as before yet we do it. and hell, why not. afterall this whole thing is about repetitions isn't it? day in day out, its the same routine. I wake up, light a cigarette, play some music and keep laying there staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I usually wake up something like 45mins before the alarm in my cell starts beeping. i turn it off and continue with staring outside my room. i can see the sky, hear the birds chirp, the tall trees and a few buildings far away. the sunlight doesn't break into my room, it rises on the other side of my window. i think and rethink of my strategy for the day, what will i do today, what should i do that would satisfy me that yes, the day was passed good. i think i'm going to paint, no write, no no today i go out - or ummm maybe study? this last thought makes me change my side and rethink the whole strategy. course books has always been a problem for me, it's not like i don't want to study but yes, i don't want to.

Usually i used to wake up and while listening to music, i used to turn the facebook in my cell on and start scrolling it up and down, leave a few comments or maybe like something but recently i've deleted the app, and this has done me wonders, saved a lot of my already slipping away time. now instead of using the facebook, i have installed another app called the daily mail. now that is a useful app, informative. anyway, talking about my daily repetitions; so i get up and get going, i know how it goes, its just like a broken record on a play. i go to university, come back, sleep, wake up, go out with friends, come home, study a little maybe, then sleep and i wake up again half hour before my alarm goes on.

It's just like a huge repeat that i'm on. everyday i think of doing something new but i wind up doing the same old things again, nothing new, nothing different. and i think to myself how will i get rid of it all? at times it gets so so entangled, so chained to itself. i'm usually not doing what i want to do. huh, the attendance will shorten up, i'll drop out, i'll miss something special in the class, bullshit. do i do what i want to do? no, it's been a while and NO i don't. well, i guess that's what life's all about, some say. well i ask you - is it? a broken record?? how often do we do what we want to? so we adjust, we tune to what we can do and what we can't. it's not a wish not achieved, they say you'll get your life once done with university. HA! will i?? no i'll be even more busy than ever. this is a trap, growing up is a trap, this everything is programming done by everyone around me, they fix you for it, make you ready, and when you're past one obstacle they had trained you enough for another i mean c'moooooooooooooooooooonnnnn when does this end? it's not just about running for money! i mean fuck this shit, this is a lie and i really don't want to be a part of it, running and running. for how long? how far? study, get a job, get married, get kids, and then DIE! what!!?? sorry, i didn't get you, you said it's going to be over soon, oh you meant this?? tsk, no. it's being a sheep. they are also kept in a controlled environment, they are fed properly, taken out to roam around, then slaughtered when the time is right. so you want me to just roll over on all of this?

i dont know what else to say, but it's pretty much lame, i'm not a loner or sick of life, i just define it a bit different than what our own society teach us, it's like being the slave of the system, you work for it just enough so that you can be dumb and idiotic, think outside your given bubble and you will be slaughtered. well, one day and that day might never even come, sadly. i've give way to what i want to do. i dont know why am i even writing this down, maybe so further i move and look upon my desires that are left only in here and that would be the end of them. or maybe i can look back and say, no i was wrong, i AM a sheep and i SHOULD BE this way. i dont know why am i recording all this but one thing is for sure and i'll make sure i don't follow the pattern described above. it has became the new life cycle of man. and in a society like ours, this is being preached like the holy book. its all programmed, i mean since when did humans had defined life cycle? we have a huge capacity for God's sake, how did we got synced to all of this? i mean non of it is bad, education, getting married and having kids is not bad but seriously!!??? thats all bs? and a good JOB means being payed for yes sir no sir this n that sir. by the time people start calling you sir, oh well, they'll call you that in that age anyway so no job needed for that sir thing!

I'll go wild, run away, disappear, live like i want to. i walk from university to home when the weather is merciful and on my way walking back i realize that i miss a lot of things while coming back home on a bus. i come through a lot of things that needs notice. just that day i was walking and i saw a trail of ants beneath, a lot were dead because people as busy as they are stepped over them, so i was thinking who is going to ask about this massacre other than God? who is even going to care? they had a cycle too, just like us, they were maybe gathering food and taking it back, and look at them now, they were dozens of them just stepped over by humans. the educated and brain blessed humans, a bunch of assholes if you ask me. what now we even don't understand what life is? are you really that programmed? that fucked in the head? i sat there for a while, staring at them, thinking what would be going in their little cycles before they were killed, looked at them for a while. then i kept moving on, there was a wall on my side and it was having so much dust over it that it could tell it wasn't touched after the masons who made it. i touched that wall while walking alongside it, it was promising, it said things to me like "I'll be here to protect you while you don't even think of me, as if i dont even exist but your touch is going to tear my eyes". yes it was a wall nothing else but yet, do we care? do we care if it was a wall of some living thing? we honk horns and seem all busy while all we have to do is get back home and get busy doing absolutely NOTHING. C'mon we are better than that. we have a mind that thinks, take it out of it's small little boxes even an ant would suffocate in.

New Grounds

I'll let you know when I'm there.
To see you happy, I'll let you know.
I'll let you know how I am,
To see you happy, I'll lie.
I'll let you know where I am,
But you won't find me.
I'll show you the field i sow,
Tall buildings, small people.
I'll walk miles with you,
Just to see you happy.
I'll tell myself this lie,
"Just to see you happy".
I got the eye thats above and beyond,
But I have lost a lot for this.
But "I'm happy", I guess,
"Just to see you happy".
I'll show you my heart,
Such a piece of art,
Abstract.
I'll tell you I don't exist,
"Just to see you cry".
I'm a storyteller that's what i do,
Tell stories.
Sky below, earth above,
I fall head down,
But thats how I see it,
"Sky below, earth above".
So i reach new oblivions,
Break new grounds.
I guess "I'm fine",
If thats what they call it.
I can't drown further,
Reached the bottom,
Still alive.
King of the dead fish,
And death, my slave,
"Conquered" new ground,
Years ago.
I age twice,
"Compelled" new ground.
Fades away.
I'll take you to a room,
Lock you inside myself,
Scared?
You should be.
"Undesired" new ground.
No escape, no way out.
I'll take you far away,
To a place between sky and earth,
Leave you there,
Alone,
Scared again?
You shouldn't be,
I'll be there,
Upside down,
Watching you.
I'll show you how i dissolve,
Within my own breaths,
Amazed?
"Achieved" new ground.
Dont blink,
You'll miss it,
I'll show you how,
I blow my brains out,
"Suicidal" new ground.
Petrified?
Dont be,
Not my first time.
I'll be your best friend in the dark,
Because it defines me,
I can define it.
Confused?
You should be,
And I am not surprised why,
You've never been in there before.
You dont know how amazing it is,
"Mysterious" new ground.
Stay close,
You might die inside this bowl,
Only "dead fish" lives here,
They know how to survive this.
You don't,
You can't,
You won't last a moment.
I'll tell you what i dream about,
It's a place i go to,
Meet myself, see me old,
Wrinkled and weak,
Shaking and not awaking,
So i sleep young,
Wake up old,
I switched places a long time ago,
With the old man i saw.
He was clever, I was not,
So now I'm the dream,
He's the awakening.
Yes I still linger there,
Captivated within myself,
"Imprisoned" new ground.
The chains heavy,
The room small and dark,
He keeps feeding me,
With fables and things,
I can't comprehend,
And I'm starting to get a liking to it,
Ensuring my life sentence.
I'll do my time,
But I'll be old then,
And "he" would be young,
Like I said,
Upside down,
A place between sky and earth.
Wait till I come out of here,
Just wait I promise i'll be out,
"Unfaithful" new ground.

Lost and Found

Find me, I'm lost somewhere in the light and the dark. Find me, I'm lost somewhere in the black and white. Find me, I'm lost somewhere between life and death. Find me please, I'm lost somewhere in a beggar's pot and a king's crown. Find me, I'm lost in blood and water; one flows from the top of a mountain, the other from a treasure of secrets untold and unheard of. Find me, I'm lost somewhere like centuries dried ink in a book, I'm lost like the treasure of Solomon, like the holy grail, like the book of Eli. Find me, I'm lost somewhere in a dying man's last breath and a newborn's first cry. I'm lost somewhere in humanity and tyranny. Please find me,I'm lost from quiet a while now. I'm lost somewhere in the first glance of love and the last aching goodbye. I have been lost for ages and i will remain that way until you find me. I'm not a treasure but not any less.

Look inside yourself and you might find me. I was there when you conquered the world, I was the apple of your eye when you invented and pondered, when you cared, when you could feel, when you were a man, a human, a creature of God. Find me in the crimson red of your heart and the deep black of your eye. I don't know how you gambled me when both the sides of this coin were the same. Find me if you want to find me. Find me in a mirror staring at yourself or at a window staring at the world. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere, I'm where you will start looking for me. I'm the dark night in which you sit and cry your heart out. I;m the breaking streak of light into your darkness, I'm the mountain that is little shown and mostly hidden, I'm the flow of water and I'm the beauty of how it never misses it's path, never flows upstream, never fuses into something smaller but larger than itself.

I'm the submission of droplet into a thin stream, the submission of a stream into a river, a river's into a sea and I'm the sea's submission into an ocean. I'm a cycle that never ends, a system that never fails. I'm the day after the lonely night and the night after a tiring and busy day. I'm the cloud that rains and the soil that blooms into fields. I'm the echo in a cave, I'm the silence in a conversation. I'm the blink of an eye and the never ending hot summer day. I'm the sweat of the poor and wine of the rich. I follow a sequence yet i have no pattern. I'm the whisper of an ant, I'm the silence of the thunder. I'm the scent of a page and I'm the knowledge of an old age. I'm the burning candle in the night and I'm the moth that follows the light. I'm the fuel of the burning lamp that shows you the way, I'm the map that never lets you astray. I'm the blackest of the black and the whitest of the white yet I'm grey. I'm the hot blood of the earth and the cold heart of the moon.

Find me, I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere, I am where you will start looking for me. I'm lost and sad, I'm sad because i can see you yet you can't find me. Your thirst can only be quenched if you are thirsty, your muscles relaxed if you are tired, your stomach satisfied if you are hungry, your destination reached if you have one. Please find me I'm a secret known by only a few- and they know how to keep a secret.

It's Not Always That Easy

Why do you make me walk for miles in search of you, what is it that you hold for me, what are you and how are you? I'm tired but do you ever think about this? well, in the first place you never asked me to follow you but i just have to follow why can't you understand i have to keep following you until i'm there and i know i never will be there, its the ground underneath me that will keep going and going back as i advance but i know i'll never reach you. I'll keep walking the earth but i will never reach you. i know you are something, i know you hold something for me, i know you have it with you, but how long do i have to keep running and walking for you? you've got me crawling for you, i call out but you are too far to listen to me, and i know you would stop for me if only you could hear me cry out for you. but yet you keep going and going knowing that i would be shouting at you, blaming you for being too fast. i will swim after you, run, walk and jump off after you. no terrain is too high or rough to reach you. until i have strength and even after it worns out i'll be keep coming and following you. will I ever reach you? this question is the fuel to my struggle.

Where will this search for you take me and in what state would i be then? how would i look after following you for so much longer that i won't even remember from where i started and where it ended. this quest will eventually end, this hope keeps me going on. something fake i know but i'll hold on to it anyway, i'll strangle it to death. it seems like a continuum which means that it's thousands of segments looks the same but both ends of it are different. i want to start the same but end differently. i want to look the same but die differently. i want to be the same but after i'm done looking for you, i want to be different or else all this was for nothing. End me if you can. but no you won't because in order to do that, you'll have to follow me, i'll be your ultimate quest, your search, and i'm not that cruel to put you in the state i am. i am used to how i am, i am used to searching for you, follow you crawling and whining about how hard it is. thats the only way i know, thats the only way i am. but you, you are different, you have been searching too, been hunting for what you've been looking for and now that you have found it, you have became it. you know it's ways, you know how it was, how you are now. so teach me too but your distance from me tells me that this is the only way to learn, the only way to know what you are so i will follow, as long as you can take me, as long as i can follow, as long as you don't get tired and i know you won't, you have your own ways.

What if i finally reach you? how will you ever face me, how did you accepted what you were following? werent you angry how far it was, how long it took you to be there, how you cried and it wont listen to you? how did you then after all this accepted it? i know your answer would be then why am i following you? well that is because thats the only way i know how to live; following you, looking for you, in search of you. what if you don't even exist and all this were just rumors? then i can proudly say that when the world was following earthly desires, i followed you. i followed what i couldn't see but saw, couldn't hear but heared, couldn't touch but touched. you have your own way of making me follow you, you leave traces behind. you leave places behind, memories that tells me you were here. i have always been the past for you but you have always been the future for me. one day i will find you and be you. but i will not make the one following me suffer the way you suffered me. i can now only wish you didnt had the same promising words spoken while you were in my place because if you did, then you are doing it all wrong! And i have been following you ever since to tell you this.

Confessions

I cannot see, i cannot feel
I cannot be myself anymore,
My heart closed, the pain's overdosed
I cannot open the same door,

I run n run but find no place to stay,
I hear ppl tawk abt a place far away
This silence in my hart is giving way,
To the thunders of a judgment day.

I walk in a million, i talk to a billion
But i cnt find solace anymore,
My hart a cactus in a cold dessert
It wont need a rain anymore,

I run n run but find no place to stay
I hear ppl talk abt a place far away,
This silence in my hart is giving way
To the thunders of a judgment day,

I feel lyk burning inside wid arms open wide,
And i dont need a saviour anymore.

The Storyteller

When everything is lost, I know i'll have you. When hope is exhausted, I know you'll be there. But who are you? Why dont you ever say something? Why dont you ever express? Your eyes know something and I know that. You have been places, seen things, felt things. I'm sorry but I know that. Am I supposed to know it? Am I supposed to care? You never ask me for something, never complain, you just sit and listen with your heart wide open to me, feels like being with you, that moment. Who are you? What are you? Why are you this way? And why do I get to know you when I have all these deaf people around me, Why do I want you to listen when I know that you are a momentarily partner in my pain, when I know that when you walk away, You will open this very own heart of your's to something else and forget I even existed, forget we talked, spent some moments together. Are you this way to everyone around you? These questions can never let go of me, never exhausts me of thinking about them. I know there are no answers to them yet I seek them in the lonely night, when I am with me. And there you come again, you sit in front of me, your eyes wait to witness the unfolding of another story, your heart wide open again, do you even care or is it just your habit? Or am I just your hobby? You will listen and I would know where this all will end, yet you listen and I tell. We are both alike, we know where it goes, we know what happens when the story ends, Isn't that knowing each other?